wanting to want to

I haven’t written in so long.

the last poem I wrote I wrote in a dark place, months ago, I haven’t felt like writing until recently wehn I dug up two really personal and difficilt poems I was working on the last time I wrote.

I’m actually thinking about deleting it but… well it’s a moment of my past, it’s not something I’m trying to hide. it’s just… something a different person wrote.

funny that.

I changed my name yesterday.

I am a different person.

one that’s trying to finish some deeply personal writing from months back. one is way to hard to even think about. let’s talk about the other one.

I’ve spoken about touch me taste me breathe me and it’s still a drug on here already, and this post is more of that. those two poems live at the intersection of love and drugs, but they’re not finished, there needso to be a third part, that’s what I’ve been struggling with writing.

the substance of love

most of my poetry draws from really personal stories from my life. I write about the things I’ve been through to cope with them, and it’s often painful. that will probably stop me ever being really prolific with this - it’s just too hard to write too often because it hurts to dredge up these memoreies. I want to though, or more, I want to want to write, but I know that it’s hard for me to write and that stops me. it’s easier to just tweet my thoughts on my AD to try and process them. and it’s easier to have a smoke and stare at nothing than doing even that. but I want to want to write. I need to, I know it’s one of the thingo that helps me more than anything else, but I’ll admit it’s always a struggle.

the last really, I mean really cathartic writing I did was circa 2009 (CW: sexual assault) and that helped me process - well, that - so, so much. I invite you to read it if you want to, but it’s very raw and emotional and heavy. and it’s probably my best writing. I am pleased with the way it flows together, especially the two open letters, and how it all fits into itself. I like the way that lines from other poems are woven into it because, I kinda wrote those lines when I still wasn’t dealing so it fits. henostly, I would say it’s easily my best work.

and that’s what I’m trying to do with this new writing. I want to finish the story that started with touch me taste me breathe me and it’s still a drug. it needs one more to be complete, one more to reframe how I feel about this now, and how I’ve shanged as a person since I wrote those.

to that end; an excerpt:

you love you hate it
you hate you need it
the taste eats at the heart of you and burns away the pain
and dulls the fears and feelings that you'll newer be the same

yeah look I struggle with substance use. I have for a long time and I still do, and I hate myself for it. in all honesty I could blame my substance use on mania and be done with feeling guilty about it, but I don’t. I can’t. I know that that’s a cheap way out. so I try, really hard, not to use daily like I used to. but even those times every few weeks when I do feel more like failures and self-medication. I don’t need self-medication I’m prescribed plenty.

and that’s what this poem is supposed to be about, when I manage to finish it, the ways that I’ve reconciled my history of substance use with the person it’s made me. and the person I’ve become in spite of it.

there’s spite again 🖕

my eternal salute.

flipping off a world that almost broke me. living in spite of everything that’s made me try to kill myself. everyone around me thinks I’m going to fail but they can go to hell 🎶

I’m determined to finish this poem, then I’m determined to fininh the other one. maybe I’ll even be determined to be able to talk about it.

2018-09-11